Chronological Thoughts

June 14, 2020

elementary

i knew my skin was darker than most. there were only three black girls in my class which included me. i never felt out of place in second grade i had my besties. brianna, marina, and kimberly the only three black girls in the class. everyone knew we were best friends. this could be the fact that we all looked the same. we didnt. kimberly was taller than marina and me. her hair was curlier than mine. it wasnt kin lookky at all. marina was lighter than us. her hair was prettier too. it was long and could blow in the wind. i wished my hair looked like hers. then there was me. i wore glasses that had metal frames. my arms and legs were lanky, skin milk chocolate brown, and my hair was always done in cornrows because of how kinky it was. i was never jealous of my friends but i knew they were prettier than me in some way.

middle school

i was now the only black girl in my class. ive gotten used to it now. marina and kimberly had left to go to new schools. most of my friends were hispanic or white. i didnt mind being the only black girl in my class. it meant that i would stand out more and people would notice me. middle school was the time of crushes. everyone had a crush. ive had “crushes” before and “boyfriends” but my middle school years made me realize i had a “type”. it could have been the fact that there werent many black boys going to my school or they just never liked me in that way. i found myself liking boys who were lighter than me. white, hispanic, asian, any boy who wasnt black they were cuter in my opinion. i guess my “type” wasnt so normal for an eleven-year-old.

heartbreak

it was because im black. ive had tons of crushes that i eventually forgot about but this one, this one was the iceberg waiting for the titanic. i had known him since the second grade. wouldnt it have been an epic love story of kids who “fell in love” in the sixth grade? who was i kidding? i really liked him. he was funny, spanish, and we were basically best friends. the way he acted and treated me made me create this scenario that was never there. i was too scared to tell him i liked him. rejecntion was my phobia. turns out i never had to tell him .he never liked me. instead, he liked the girl with long, dark brown hair and olive skin. whos going to love a girl with skin darker than theirs?

self-love

i could feel myself hating the body i was in. why wasnt i lighter? why isnt my hair longer and straighter? i hated myself. i wanted to love myself. i wanted to make sure that I didnt hate what i saw in the mirror every time i looked in it. i didnt want someones feelings to dictate how i felt about myself. it was working for a while.

high school

“black women look like goddesses in yellow.” i never thought yellow was a flattering color to make clothes in. its been years since middle school, but the thoughts of unworthiness and not being wanted is still lingering inside of me. the boy i had “fallen in love” with had shattered my heart again. he chose girls prettier than me in my opinion. my self-esteem had gone down the drain that i had nothing else to lose. yellow. the color kept washing up into my mind. my closet was filled with pinks, reds, purples but, no yellow. i wanted to feel like a goddess. even though i didnt feel like it on the inside, i wanted to look like sunshine on the outside. i couldnt stop buying yellow. i was told it complimented my skin. i believed it. i still do. but as much as i wore yellow, it didnt fix what was going on inside of me. i was still hung up over everything that had happened. i cant act like im ok when im not.

college

its been four weeks. ive just gotten over the worst moment in my life. i know theres people in the world dying, but my heart has died many times before. its so fucked that i still feel like this. i really believed that everything was going to be ok. if i hid my insecurities and put on a brave face i wouldnt end up getting hurt again. i wouldnt be feeling like this again. i know its not his fault or anyone elses, but mine. im so wrapped up in my insecurities and my emotions that i probably drive people to leave. why am i always the one with the intense feelings thats never reciprocated? why am i not allowed a happy ending? its because im black right? im sure of it.

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